The Down Low on the Spin Cycle

How do you encourage someone to continue something that they don’t feel they want to when you yourself would rather have them give up and come home? (Is it too sex and city to start out with a question?) I know what everyone says. “You tell them you are proud of them and to just stick it out.” I’ve done that. It doesn’t seem to make anything better for him. I don’t even know if it helps when I do say it.

This morning I got a text message from my soldier saying that he wanted to come home. Every time I get one of these texts about coming home many emotions immediately come washing over me like your washing machines spin cycle. On one hand I really want him to come home. On the other, I know him and if he doesn’t complete this he will be sorry that he didn’t. Time has a way of making even the hardest thing seem like it was a breeze. Think of POW John McCain’s claim to fame.

I know when I get theses messages that it’s usually him blowing off steam. This week has been particularly bad for him. He was hoping that life in the Army would be getting a little more like the real world but it hasn’t turned out that way. He’s told me that it’s more locked down than what he was told it would be. It’s more mentally and physically draining than he was prepared for and unlike BT (basic training) he has more time to think. Also he has 8 typically rude 18 year old guys in his room with him that are very loud all the time and don’t seem to know what personal space is. Usually when the texts come I know that by the morning he will be back to his old self.

Today was a different story. I know how important work and what he does is to him. I know he finds his self identity in what he does and what he contributes to the world. He found out that his job he will be doing won’t be as technical (or in his eyes as good) as he once was told. I know that he has to be disappointed that he is now relegated to what he calls a customer service job. I guess in his eyes it isn’t as romantic as lets say a sniper, but someone has to do it. As far as I’m concerned a nice desk job doing customer service is what I want him to be doing. Army guys have a way of wanting to be the one that is shooting, spying or doing something that their wives would rather them not do. We wives want them to stay off the news when they are doing everything they can do to get on it. In the end all of it’s mental. What you perceive as important will make you want to do it. What you don’t you just won’t.

During his first week after BT we talked and texted as much as we could get away with. Sometimes I think that was the wrong thing for me to do for him. Sometimes I wonder if the reason he is having a hard time adjusting to his new school is the distraction of me. During his BT he could only write letters a few times a week. This left him without the time to focus on me, life at home or anything else that could be going on. I know it was lonely for both of us, but he seemed to be enjoying the process more. He seemed to be more committed to it and his decision to join the Army. Also, there was his focus on actually talking to me and his family and seeing all us again. Now, since we talk everyday I can’t help but think that I remind him of what he has here at home and everything that he would rather be doing. Life has a way of making you think of everything you could be doing rather than what you need to.

Don’t get me wrong, I love this man more that anything and would do anything for him. If he told me that he couldn’t take it anymore then I would be there to pick him up faster than a trick at a bar. I am genuinely proud of him. More than I ever thought I could be. What I am struggling with here is how to help him get through this rough time without giving up something he really believed in and wanted. I think I really suck at giving encouragement sometimes. I have the stiff upper lip thing that doesn’t help me in this situation along with the fact that I really do want him home. I have to put my feelings aside and try to encourage him. I want him to be a strong, successful and happy soldier that gives his all to his country. I also want him to feel he has the complete backing of his family to do his mission, even if that means customer service.

I know all this strong wife behind every successful soldier thing sounds like standard Army Wife BS, but its true. You have to be there for them to encourage them to go on even though it’s probably not what you or they want. I have to be there listening to him and not talking as much. I have to hear what he needs, not what I want to hear. I know that this world isn’t perfect and that there are times that I am going to screw up and put me and my petty feelings first. Let’s face it; in a perfect world we wouldn’t even need an Army and he would be home.