The Postman Always Rings at Least 4 Times

Well I finally did it. I have been religiously carrying around my cell phone for the past 12 days. I sleep with it, eat with it, I even make sure that its there in the shower with me. The reason I am so suddenly attached to my cell is that I never know when he was going to call.

I was cleaning out my barns today on the farm so I could see what to sell and while the mower was running he called me. I missed it. I heard the phone beep after I shut it off and had 3 missed calls that just happened. (I was only on the mower for about 5 minutes) I sat there in the middle of my barn crying. I was sitting there staring at my phone praying that he would call me back just one more time.

RING, RING . . . . I couldn’t believe it. He was calling me back for a 4th time. When I answered he said he had only about 1 minute to talk since I had missed his call earlier. My heart sank, but I tried to keep a happy tone. All he could say was that he missed me and that he wasn’t all that happy there. It’s funny how his tone has changed since the last time we talked.

I have all these list. Lists for work, lists for this and lists for that. I even keep a list about all the stuff that I want to tell him about when he calls so that I can remember all the inane things that happen I want to tell him. When he calls my list just vaporizes. I’m left feeling slow, dumb and little tipsy. Everything seems to go really fast and nothing makes any sense. Spinning is the only word for it. All I care about is how he’s doing. You know, that mothering thing . . . are they feeding you well? Are you sick at all? Have you gotten into any trouble? Are they hurting you at all? All he wants to know about is how I’m doing and how the farm is and how the business is doing. At that moment I could care less about all that. So we really don’t get to talk about much of anything but – I miss you, I love you and how’s the cat doing. I get so mad at myself for not making better use of the time, but it’s the best I can do right now.

I know I won’t miss another call. I want more time to talk.

Mother’s day is tomorrow and I now know exactly how they feel. You know that mom that sends her son off to college and then sees some commercial on TV showing a man about his age doing something that reminds her of him. We all know what’s going to happen next. She’s going to start crying, mascaras running and then everything starts running so no one can enjoy themselves. I do that now. Every time I see that Army commercial on TV or pass a recruiting station I cry a little and then yell at myself to get it together.

I know at least one recruiter was ready to have me committed when I stopped in to pick up one of the “a soldier lives here” signs for the yard. I walked in and asked for the sign. Then as I was getting ready to leave I just started crying because they didn’t have any yard stakes, just the signs. I’m not sure if it was a look of pity or shame that was on his face after that. I was just glad to be out of there. I know it sounds like I’m a mess, but I think I really am holding it together for the most part. (Self awareness is probably not my best trait right now.)

Money is tight right now and this 4.00 a gallon gas is really hurting. We were hoping to have a lot in savings by the time that he got back, but business has been really bad since he left and it all has to do with this economy. I called the cable company and turned it off. I’ve cut out everything that’s extra now and I make sure all the lights are off all the time. I feel like I should be carrying around a candle in the house to see. I’m not going to have the pool opened up the year either. It’s just too expensive to up keep. On the bright side I did get all the taxes paid for him. That was around 2K so now I don’t have to worry about that.

I mailed my first letter the other day. We couldn’t mail anything till he was assigned to his training unit. It was a rather large one because I had been writing him and taking pictures to send and collecting them all till I could send them. I really hope he gets it soon.