Almond Joy's Got Nuts, Mounds Don't

I came out to my mother today. I know what you are thinking and yes she already knew I was gay, we covered that years ago. What I mean is today is the first time that we had that talk about sex and what we gay people do and more importantly to her what me and my soldier do/did when we were feeling randy.

I think it was a shock to her as she was asking the questions. It was one of those times that she really didn’t want to know, but the details were so salacious she could not stop asking. She did want to know, but only to perpetuate the next question.

I knew we would be in for a great ride when out of her mouth came “honey, do you and your soldier (she said his name) ever, you know . . . . . how do I put this. . . . um, so which one of you is the man or woman? Do you ever switch?” Well I was going to have fun with this one. I love to torture my mother with details of things she doesn’t want to know. You know, when you’re driving and you pass something dead on the side of the road. . . “Hey mom did you see that thing?”

We covered all the bases. “Do you, you know put it in you?” "Of course" I said "and you know what? I enjoy it." That about threw her over the edge. She didn’t want to think of her baby taking it you know where. She then wanted to know if my soldier did “that sort of thing.” I said "sure he did." I had to have that conversation explaining that in a committed gay relationship flip flopping was common and was our preference. Hey, sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.

We went through all the painful details about "how does that work? Does it fit?" I had to laugh. . . I told her that my nickname was “soda can.” This made her noticeably uncomfortable. Then I followed it up with a “thank you mama.” I told her something about how mothers are the ones that genetically decide how large a man's member is. I think I read that somewhere, anyway it was a priceless look on her face when I mentioned that.

I know this all sounds sort of mean to tell her all these things. When I told her that me and my soldier had visited bath houses over the years (about 2 to be exact) she died. She actually told me that having a guy watch us have sex could cause us to “get AIDS.” I told her that it would be impossible. She then followed it up with “well he could throw himself on you at the last moment.” I think I about rolled out of the chair. What irks me is that we gay folk have to explain what role we “play” in bed. Why can’t we just be 2 men who love each other and have a great time in bed? Why does someone have to be the man or the woman?

Where I am going with this is, the fault for the “misunderstandings” lies with both gay children and parents. Gay children tend to isolate parents who really only hear rumors about what goes on in the bedroom and they have no real conception of what happens, all they can go on is their own experience. I had to tell her that sometimes you don’t have anal sex that it’s ok to just have oral or any other variation as long as both partners were satisfied at the end. I asked her if she ever just did that. She had a surprisingly fresh answer. “Yeah I have done that, but I get bored with it.” I had to remind her of her gag reflex. She agreed.

We need to do a better job of living out our lives in front of our parents and other “outsiders.” From now on I won’t feel uncomfortable holding hands, getting a quick peck on the cheek or saying I love my soldier in front of my parents. Its not that I was ashamed of whom I was or who my partner was. I just didn’t want to make my parents uncomfortable. I think that it has actually made them less understanding and more ignorant than they would have been had we actually started with this talk years ago.

The moral of this story is you should be who you are in and out of the bedroom even if that means someone is watching you. Just be careful someone doesn’t throw themselves on you. It could be messy.