Stoned Soul Picnic

Ok, so I know it’s been forever since I've updated this blog. It’s been a really crazy 20 days. I’m feeling crunch time to get all my plans done before my soldier comes home. He will be here in 14 days. I can’t believe I will see him in only 14 days. I’m planning on picking him up at the base and we are going to drive home together. I thought that if I picked him up it would give us 2 days to get to know each other again and really spend time one on one and not get dumped right back into our “normal” lives.

The farm has now sold and we have 2 people fighting over it so it will be a matter of time till we will be looking for a new home. I’ve been taking these last few months to really examine my life and what is important to me. I seem to have a very abstract list that I’m working from. It ranges from ideas and concepts to people.

My Son and Soldier (after this one there is no order to these)
Family
Home
Things of Quality
Work
Simplified Life
Time (not more, but better)
Organized
Friends
Giving
Security (Financial and Emotional)

I have our home paired down now to just the items that we love, need and want to surround ourselves with. If they don’t fall into the categories listed above then we don’t need them. I want to only keep the items that we can use, that are of the best quality and that mean something to us. It’s a freeing feeling to be pairing down. I don’t feel like I’m loosing anything. In fact, I feel like I am no longer a slave to my belongings. In the past I felt tied to them.

I guess I am a product of family guilt. My grandmother when I was a kid used to hang onto everything. She had a story for everything. If she didn’t have one she would make it up. She firmly believed in being colorful. There is a plate in my kitchen on the wall that she SWORE was off the Mayflower. . . . What makes it fun is that our family arrived in the 1700’s in Connecticut; about 250 miles and 200 years later.

I think I’m going to like my new simple life. I feel like we are at the point in our lives that we need to surround ourselves with loving family, fulfilling work, good food and beautiful surroundings.

I’m at the age now where simplicity is going to take over this complicated life. As an example we would have a few Christmas trees around the house. They were always beautiful but the stress of “getting it all done” wasn’t worth it. Looking back I think I would have a better time with one really great tree a simple pine wreath on the door and a few simple decorations than covering the house with the holidays. I have gotten rid of over ½ the holiday stuff now.

I want our new home to not have a lot of landscaping. I definitely want an herb garden and some simple plants that smell great and are useful too. I want to make things, eat and be healed by this garden. I know it sounds “tree hugger” but I think it would be a fun hobby that would be beneficial too. I want it to be small and not get out of hand. Like I said I want a simpler life, not over do it. Right now we have 5 acres of landscaping that needs tended to.

I want to be able to spend more time with my son and soldier now that he is coming back. I don’t want to think, “Gee I need to come home and clean the house.” I want us to be more spontaneous and adventurous. If my soldier says he wants to go somewhere and do something then instead of coming up with every excuse why we need to stay home I want to just say “sure, let’s see how we can make that happen.” I want to live life now not let life do me in and if we pair down we can have the expenses to make anything happen.

What I need to do is finally keep life in perspective. If something doesn’t fit, get rid of it. If someone wants us to do something that doesn’t fit, don’t do it. Put our goals first and make the most of every moment. My new life is almost like one of those 60’s mind bending tunes about trees, life, flowers and of course Miss Mary Jane. Just go with the flow, love everyone and of course fill it with lots of time and wine.

Pink Is My Signature Color

Ok, so I am gay. I know that doesn’t seem like a news flash for those of you who read this column. Anyone who spends more than 5 minutes with me would be able to figure that out. I run a shop in a smaller sized town of about 140,000 residents. You have to keep in mind that I am in rural-ish, hick-ville Ohio. I know there are a TON of gay guys here; most are just not out to their wives or girlfriends. For the most part gay people are not a knowing part of the town’s everyday lives. We gay folk tend to be in the shadows and thought of as decorators or 40+ year old women’s single best friends.

I have a couple that have just recently started to come into my shop. The husband was an attractive man in his mid to late 20’s. He looked like someone that could have been very attractive just a few years ago, but had decided to let middle age spread start a little early. His wife was a cute, petit blond who looked like she was the prom queen, homecoming queen and the star cheerleader all wrapped up. She was that nauseating perky that made you think that her name could be Jennifer, Heather or Brittany. I’m sure her favorite colors were blush and bashful, not plain pink. They were the perfect Stepford Christian Evangelical couple as I would find out.

Now I want to clear something up. I identify myself as a Christian. I do believe Christ died for my sins and I don’t mind telling anyone that asks me about my faith. I try to practice my faith as much as I can and live a decent life. I don’t have any problems with anyone’s beliefs. If you want to believe that an ant is your god that’s your business. I feel that people are entitled when they die to end up wherever they choose. If that’s the great ant hill in the sky, hey it’s your afterlife.

I was off yesterday from the shop. This aforementioned “perfect” couple stopped in. Paul, my cool, early 20’s, straight as an arrow stock boy was working last night. While browsing they saw some pictures of my son on the back wall of the store behind the counter. These pictures are those “drawings” that you get at Chuckie Cheeses. They are the graphics generated pictures that you put a token in and out pops the picture. I feel sorry for the kid, because with his glasses on he is the spitting image of me. He just dresses better at eight than I did. As a gay parent I have to keep him in the latest fashions for the pre-tween set.

This woman in this couple happened to mention that they thought that was me in the pictures. Paul told her that it was my son. They asked then the next logical question for them. Is he married? Paul told them I was not. They evidently were surprised that I had a son. When he asked them why that was they were surprised all they could say was “well he’s gay.” (I want to know who the SOB was that told on me!) They then had to tell Paul what I had already suspected; that they were Christian and that they didn’t know why I would CHOOSE to be gay. Paul told them that my soldier and I have been together for over 7 years. All they could say was that they were sorry for me. I guess they think that I needed to be brought into the real arms of Jesus and I was just leading an unsaved, pagan trash life.

I want to know why every Christian-straight person feels sorry for gay people. You would think that I have some sort of birth defect that medicine cant cure. Normal, straight people think that we have autism and should be pitied and placed in a home and forgotten about. I think that these people take the bible had hide behind it to mask their own insecurities. I can’t tell you how many guys there are in church that are married and looking for guy love on the down low.

I’m not sure if the problem is educational, societal, historical or cultural or all of the above. I never felt sorry any straight guys that CHOOSE to be with a woman. If that is what the guy is programmed to do, then by all means that is what he should do. I just expect the same consideration. Is that wrong?

In the end there are these Neo-Christian Evangelicals who believe that everyone chooses who to sleep with. They don’t get it still. Gay people are made that way. I mean think about it; did every straight guy choose to sleep with women? I bet they never even thought about it. There isn’t any in-between here. Either you are gay or you are not. Either you are straight or not or some people like both. There are really only a few options and most people aren’t able to mentally make the jump from one group to the next. I was married, but all I thought about was being with a man. I was married for social reasons, not for the real reasons people get together. I could never love a woman the way I love my soldier.

We Christians need to come to terms that God makes everyone and that he wouldn’t make us choose who we love. He just asks that we love everyone, not feel sorry for them. It’s a shame that some feel that they can make others love and live like they do, not how God made us to. The next time this couple comes in the store it will take all my compassion and Christian love not to tell them that they are the ones I feel sorry for. After all pink is still just pink.

The Parent Trap

I am really blessed to have a man in my life that loves me and my son. I know this seems like a, well duh sort of thing to say, but sometimes the obvious is the best thing to say. My soldier really loves my son and treats him as his own. Good, bad and the ugly he’s there to be a parent to him.

My ex-wife and I had our son in 2000 after 4 years of marriage. His nickname after we found out it was a boy while he was in the womb was “Trojan Man.” He wasn’t really planned at the time, but looking back I can’t think of anything that I could have done better with my life.

We divorced in 2002 after a year of living apart and leading separate lives. I met my soldier in August 2002 and he accepted my son from the very start. He was loving, caring and patient. As everyone knows, a 2 year old will test any relationship, especially one that was new. The stereotype is usually of gay men not wanting children and rejecting men that did because clearly they “couldn’t make their minds up.” Switching teams so to speak is what drives a lot of them crazy. They feel that guys who were married were just trying to fool their wives while they remained “pure” to their homo-ness.

When my son was just 2 I introduced him to my Soldier on one of our dates. I can still remember what I was thinking. I was praying that my son didn’t do anything too wild and would just be a “perfect angel” for the afternoon. He was ok that day, but what I really wanted to know was what my soldier was thinking. I’m not sure it was love at first sight, but over the years they have bonded and have their own special love for each other.

When I was 11 years old my parents divorced and when my Mom remarried it was a few years of adjustment for me to get to really love my step father. I always hoped that my son would feel the same way about my soldier. Since he was only 2 at the time he has been in his life for as long as he can remember. I think that being young has also helped him deal with having a gay father. With him, it’s really a non-issue. Only a few times has he ever brought it up. Asking why I was with a man and not with his mother. I gently tell him that his mom and I are better for each other now than we were together and that we both love him more than ever.

All this brings me to now. When my soldier left for the Army my son didn’t really understand that it was going to be a very long time until he saw him again. He casually said good-bye and got into his mothers car. I think my soldier was hurt and wanted that “Hallmark” moment with him. You know the type where everyone is on the verge or tears and hugging and telling each other that they would miss them and never forget each other. The following weekend when my son came over, he was asking where my soldier was. He thought he would be there. He spent the weekend mopping around and when I asked him what was wrong he said he missed him and wanted to know how long he would really be gone. I had to explain that he wouldn’t be back till he went to school in the fall. Every weekend so far I get the same question. I guess the conception of time is one of those things he needs to work on. He always asks if this is the week for him to come home.

This weekend my son was in my room sitting on the bed with me watching some Spongebob Squarepants while he was having lunch on a tray. It’s a real treat for him to get to eat in there and watch the big TV and lay in the comfy bed. He noticed that I had my soldier’s new Army picture on my nightstand in a frame. He wanted to look at it, so he went over and picked it up. He just sat there and stared at it for a few moments then started to smile. I think it finally made it real for him to see him in his uniform with that typical stern, kick ass look they have in those pictures.

That night we went to see my Father and Step Mother, otherwise known as Mamaw and Papaw. They had bought him a “Bear Force” teddy bear of an Army soldier in uniform. His first comment when handed the bear was a very jocular “aww sweet.” (He’s so straight acting) He was so in love with this bear from the moment they gave it to him. He named it after my soldier and just kept playing with all the pockets and saying how really cool it was.

I just sat there in the car watching him and me trying not to tear up. I guess I was happy to know that my son loves my soldier as much as my soldier loves him. I guess it’s something that I already knew, but it’s still sweet to witness him having those feelings for the man I love. But then again, how could he not? He’s his daddy’s son and his daddy loves both of them more than anything.

Almond Joy's Got Nuts, Mounds Don't

I came out to my mother today. I know what you are thinking and yes she already knew I was gay, we covered that years ago. What I mean is today is the first time that we had that talk about sex and what we gay people do and more importantly to her what me and my soldier do/did when we were feeling randy.

I think it was a shock to her as she was asking the questions. It was one of those times that she really didn’t want to know, but the details were so salacious she could not stop asking. She did want to know, but only to perpetuate the next question.

I knew we would be in for a great ride when out of her mouth came “honey, do you and your soldier (she said his name) ever, you know . . . . . how do I put this. . . . um, so which one of you is the man or woman? Do you ever switch?” Well I was going to have fun with this one. I love to torture my mother with details of things she doesn’t want to know. You know, when you’re driving and you pass something dead on the side of the road. . . “Hey mom did you see that thing?”

We covered all the bases. “Do you, you know put it in you?” "Of course" I said "and you know what? I enjoy it." That about threw her over the edge. She didn’t want to think of her baby taking it you know where. She then wanted to know if my soldier did “that sort of thing.” I said "sure he did." I had to have that conversation explaining that in a committed gay relationship flip flopping was common and was our preference. Hey, sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.

We went through all the painful details about "how does that work? Does it fit?" I had to laugh. . . I told her that my nickname was “soda can.” This made her noticeably uncomfortable. Then I followed it up with a “thank you mama.” I told her something about how mothers are the ones that genetically decide how large a man's member is. I think I read that somewhere, anyway it was a priceless look on her face when I mentioned that.

I know this all sounds sort of mean to tell her all these things. When I told her that me and my soldier had visited bath houses over the years (about 2 to be exact) she died. She actually told me that having a guy watch us have sex could cause us to “get AIDS.” I told her that it would be impossible. She then followed it up with “well he could throw himself on you at the last moment.” I think I about rolled out of the chair. What irks me is that we gay folk have to explain what role we “play” in bed. Why can’t we just be 2 men who love each other and have a great time in bed? Why does someone have to be the man or the woman?

Where I am going with this is, the fault for the “misunderstandings” lies with both gay children and parents. Gay children tend to isolate parents who really only hear rumors about what goes on in the bedroom and they have no real conception of what happens, all they can go on is their own experience. I had to tell her that sometimes you don’t have anal sex that it’s ok to just have oral or any other variation as long as both partners were satisfied at the end. I asked her if she ever just did that. She had a surprisingly fresh answer. “Yeah I have done that, but I get bored with it.” I had to remind her of her gag reflex. She agreed.

We need to do a better job of living out our lives in front of our parents and other “outsiders.” From now on I won’t feel uncomfortable holding hands, getting a quick peck on the cheek or saying I love my soldier in front of my parents. Its not that I was ashamed of whom I was or who my partner was. I just didn’t want to make my parents uncomfortable. I think that it has actually made them less understanding and more ignorant than they would have been had we actually started with this talk years ago.

The moral of this story is you should be who you are in and out of the bedroom even if that means someone is watching you. Just be careful someone doesn’t throw themselves on you. It could be messy.

Stick it, Don’t Pick It

Today is an important day for me. I only have 45 days till my life can be somewhat normal again. That’s right; September 5th is my soldier’s D day. It really has seemed to go fast. I don’t know why that is. Before the time happens it takes forever, once its over, looking back it wasn’t that long.

Last night I got a text from my soldier. He was not in a good mood again. It seems from the sketchy details I could glean from the message there was a “disagreement” with this 18 year old Hispanic guy about how the beds should be made. (It seems really stupid to me, but like I said I don’t have many details.) There was some throwing of pillows and blankets and someone came close to getting their ass kicked I think (no matter what happened I would say “you should have seen the other guy when I was done.” Anyway this is the kind of shit that my soldier can’t stand. He really isn’t into playing games with these people. He’s there to do a job and get out, not rule the world or act like he rules it in the barracks.

Once again I got the inevitable text saying he wants to come home. This time I think I was prepared. I responded with the tell me about what you are feeling/doing attitude rather than a mother who wants her baby to come home. I really don’t know if this worked or not. I haven’t had a chance to talk with him today yet. Sometimes I sit and wonder what he is thinking. There isn’t any chance to get a real conversation where you could figure these things out and make a plan. I just want to tell him that this isn’t how it’s going to work once he’s out of Fort Jackson. This isn’t the “job” he will be doing. This is a continuation of high school for most of these guys and that means acting stupid.

So here is my little soap box moment. I know that the real world is full of people that piss you off and we all have to learn to deal with it. It’s really disappointing that people who join the military don’t have a better, more professional attitude as a rule than they do. I know the Army will build character in these men and women, but why can’t we as a society start this building process before they get there. It does seem that there is a higher percentage rate of people who lack basic social skills and manners. I witnessed it when I was there. There was a guy who was picking his nose about 2 feet from me. This really took me aback. Here was this guy that represents America to the rest of the world picking his nose in front of a total stranger only 24 inches away. No wonder the French hate us.

Ok, so back to what was going on last night. After I got this message about the fight I tried to send encouraging messages. He had his duty last night so all I got were one word responses. He’s not allowed to be on his phone, but he must have been sneaking me texts. It’s so hard for me to get a clear picture of what he was thinking. I know at that time he was telling himself there has to be something better than this out there. There is I’m sure, but this is where we are at, at this moment in time.

We are in the Army and it may not be pretty all the time, but that’s the real world. I guess the Army really does prepare you for the real world. Let’s hope that these 18 year olds can finally get some of what their mothers didn’t teach them and not pick their nose. They may need that finger to pull a trigger someday.

Smells Like Teen Spirit

Ok so who doesn’t love to smell great? I am one of those people who are olfactory motivated. If a guy walks past me and smells really wonderful sometimes I could care less what they look like. Smell is a funny thing. It can bring up many memories, some you didn’t even know you had.

There are certain colognes that I can tell you just from the scent which boyfriend wore them, what their name was and who makes them. I also can tell you what perfume my ex wife wore just from the smell. (Giorgio, Ocean Dreams) Keep in mind I’ve been with my soldier for 7 years now. Your brain just holds onto this stuff like your mother’s guilt does when you didn’t show up for Thanksgiving that one year.

I will always associate Calvin Klein’s Obsession with my father. One whiff of that and I’m 11 years old sitting in his car smelling the bottle that he kept in the glove compartment. He used it to freshen up for his dates. My mother and Grandmother always wore the same scent, Chanel #5. They always insisted on the perfume too, never the cologne.

When I was in South Carolina a few weeks ago for my soldier’s graduation we stopped at the local Bath and Body Works. He picked up a few things that would help him feel a little more human. It had been 2 months since he had used real soap or shampoo and he wanted something that he could take back that didn’t look to “girly.” We settled on BBW’s C.O. Bigelow line Elixir Blue. It has a musky, sexy smell that smells clean but has that take me here, take me now scent that really gets me off.

I got this text message on Saturday night letting me know that he had just gotten out of the shower and was smelling really good. I could instantly remember what he smelled like. (I’m sure it was a hell of a lot better that what he smelled like before.) Well, as I was laying there all hot and bothered thinking of him, I made my mind up that I was going to go get some for myself on Sunday.

On Sunday, I went to the store and as is prone for BBW to do, they clearance everything out as fast as they make it. They only had a few bottles left so I snatched them up at the bargain price of 6.00 each. I don’t think they carry many lines that they keep consistent. What is a guy to do when he finds something that he really likes? There are still a few items left from the line on the website, but it is admittedly a brief selection.

http://www.bathandbodyworks.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2678280&cp=&sr=1&origkw=barber&kw=barber&parentPage=search

Last night I took my shower and tried them for myself. I was instantly taken back to South Carolina and our time together. You know those montages they do in television to show you someone’s life passing before them, or remembering a million moments in 20 seconds? I had one last night. My mind was all over the place from our strolls in Charleston to the romantic times alone in our room. It was almost like he was all over me, right there and then.

I guess in a sense he is all over me. His touch, fingerprints, thoughts and feelings are a part of me and can’t be washed off with soap and water, no matter how wonderful or luxurious the soap may be. Like smells that you can recall years later it’s comforting to know that even though he may not be here in person for the time being, he will always be here whenever I need him. All I have to do is open a bottle and inhale.

Just a Little Bit South of North Carolina

I’m just taking a break for a moment to let you know about a song that I heard for the first time today at work. I know what you are thinking. “Good lord he’s posting song lyrics, how unexpected – very original.” I know, I know, since im blogging here I may as well live up to the stereotype at some point.

There are several songs about the Carolinas such as James Taylors “Carolina in My Mind,” but this song was different for me. It was peppy, fun and cute. I didn’t feel the great loss that I did after listening to the Taylor track while shopping for shoes at a department store. I wanted to get drunk after that one.

Anita O’day recorded this track on March 19, 1941 in New York. I think she perfectly sums up how I’m feeling today – peppy, fun and hopefully cute, but still missing him. There also was hope in this song that some day you will be back together I loved that too.

There is something about torch songs from the 1940’s thru the 1950’s that can make you feel like there has to be other people in the world feeling the same way you do. Here are the lyrics to this little song. It’s got me wishing I was just a little bit south of North Carolina.

Just a Little Bit South of North Carolina

Just a little bit south of North Carolina That's where I long to be
In a little brown shack in South Carolina
Someone waits for me
In each letter she says that the weather is fine and the folks are feeling great
That the garden looks grand and the red rose vine is clinging to the gate

Just a little bit south of North Carolina
That's where my thoughts all stray
To the one I love best in South Carolina I'm going back some day
I can hardly wait to see the face of the one I like
Just a little bit south of North Carolina
I'll find paradise

Just a little bit south of North Carolina
That's where my thoughts all stray
To the one I love best in South Carolina
I'm going back some day I can hardly wait to see the face of the one I like
Just a little bit south of North Carolina
I'll find paradise